..i just can't get him off my mind :(
i've repeated "i'm over it" about five times today. i didn't lie about it, i was over him...for about 5minutes. today i rode his bus and he totally flirted w/ some chick nadine or sum shit like that and i was like w/e like it didn't bother me..at all. i don't mean to sound like a cocky son of a bitch but i was damn proud of myself. then BAM! it hit me smack dab i the face...that stupid little green eyed monster thats been following me for the past 3months. before i knew it, i was lookin up nadine on myspace not knowing exactly what i was in search of but so far into it that i couldn't stop. i hate devin. like w/ a passion. he has me on this sick rollercoaster. i'm sry but he's one cocky son of a bitch. he knows what hes doing. he knows how to make me say yes to something or how to make me change how i feel about him. i don't get it...i havn't thought about him as much as i've thought about him in the past 8hours in like weeks. the day i think i'm finally over the jerk, is the day i have the biggest devin fest in my head. ITS ONLY FRIDAY NIGHT!!! its goint to be a really long weekend :(
March 13, 2009
January 10, 2009
lime green martinis
Dear blogger,
wow so a lots happend this week. there is one thing that i have learned though. i can't look directly into devins eyes when i'm talking, i'll lose my train of thought lol.
wow so a lots happend this week. there is one thing that i have learned though. i can't look directly into devins eyes when i'm talking, i'll lose my train of thought lol.
January 1, 2009
seven pounds
Dear Blogger,
i just returned from seeing the movie seven pounds w/ my grandparents and my sister. it was ok i guess, the beginning was really slow but overall it was ok. i don't know why but during the movie i started thinking of what i would do if i recieved $500 from aunt betty and uncle bryan. it was completly random and before i knew it was thinking of stores i would go to and how much i would spend in each store. then when i kinda "regained consciousness", will smith was kissing rosario whatever whatever and i thought of devin. mainly because rosario is the same color as i am and even though will smith is darker than devin, his head is shaped similarily to devins. so i was thinking "is that what we're going to look like when we're kissing" then i imagined it from the outside looking in and it was nice. then i remembered when joe telling me on the phone that mesh was like his little elementary crush and all he wanted to do was be with her all the time. as much as it seems like it, devins not my elementary crush. i wan't to be WITH him but not with him all the time. i don't think i would be able to see him as much as joe sees mesh. yea i like him....ALOT! but being with him all the time..idk. maybe its a accquired thing. maybe i don't want to be with him all the time right now because i don't know him. i'm still a little nervous about school. if nothing happens between us, i don't know what i would do. i will get over it but my biggest fear is setting myself up for disappointment. what if i was his elementary crush. what if all he wanted to do was be with me. what if he got over me and i'm too late. i would accept it for what it is..eventually but i can't help but wonder about the what if. all this time i spent obssessing over him and making sure i looked decent everywhere i went just incase i ran into him would be for nothing. i wouldn't be mad at him though because i know if he is over me, the fault would be mine. i didn't really show that i liked him that much. idk...all i know is if i don't see him this weekend like mel said, its going to be the longest four days of my life.
i just returned from seeing the movie seven pounds w/ my grandparents and my sister. it was ok i guess, the beginning was really slow but overall it was ok. i don't know why but during the movie i started thinking of what i would do if i recieved $500 from aunt betty and uncle bryan. it was completly random and before i knew it was thinking of stores i would go to and how much i would spend in each store. then when i kinda "regained consciousness", will smith was kissing rosario whatever whatever and i thought of devin. mainly because rosario is the same color as i am and even though will smith is darker than devin, his head is shaped similarily to devins. so i was thinking "is that what we're going to look like when we're kissing" then i imagined it from the outside looking in and it was nice. then i remembered when joe telling me on the phone that mesh was like his little elementary crush and all he wanted to do was be with her all the time. as much as it seems like it, devins not my elementary crush. i wan't to be WITH him but not with him all the time. i don't think i would be able to see him as much as joe sees mesh. yea i like him....ALOT! but being with him all the time..idk. maybe its a accquired thing. maybe i don't want to be with him all the time right now because i don't know him. i'm still a little nervous about school. if nothing happens between us, i don't know what i would do. i will get over it but my biggest fear is setting myself up for disappointment. what if i was his elementary crush. what if all he wanted to do was be with me. what if he got over me and i'm too late. i would accept it for what it is..eventually but i can't help but wonder about the what if. all this time i spent obssessing over him and making sure i looked decent everywhere i went just incase i ran into him would be for nothing. i wouldn't be mad at him though because i know if he is over me, the fault would be mine. i didn't really show that i liked him that much. idk...all i know is if i don't see him this weekend like mel said, its going to be the longest four days of my life.
December 30, 2008
Mother may i...go to duffy's? (Part2)
Dear blogger,
guess who i'm listening to??? naked brothers band lol.ya know, for a 13yr old, he sure knows a alot of stuff. does nickelodian really think they can make these songs about love, have a 13yr old sing it and get away with it? what 13yr old knows about love. anywho, i made this post into two parts because if i didn't, it would be a super super long post. for every crush i have theres always a song that goes with our relationship (whetheres its exsistant or nonexistent). i don't sure search for songs, they just kinda come to me and i'm like hey this reminds me of so and so. so anyway, devins song is knock,knock by lenka. not the whole song because its really about someone whos there for her and well frankly devins really not there for me (yet...hopefully). just the first paragraph or stanza (whatevaaaa) reminds me of him or how i feel about him:
A second, a minute, and hour, a day goes by.
Im hopin' just to be by your side.
Im turnin' the handle
it won’t open.
Don’t make me wait, cause right now I need your smile.
i was listening to the song on my ipod when we were coming back from my grandparents house and even though i saw lenka in concert (sry had to throw that in :P) and heard this song live i didn't really listen to it. anywho, coming back 4rm the g-rentals and i heard the first part of it and a spark like went off in my head and i was like holy woah this reminds me of devin!!! i need help..i totally just went on the duffy's website to think of what i'm gunna have to eat when i do go to duffy's. i came to the conclusion that i was going to have the chicken tenders. there not messy, i eat them piece by piece so i won't have to open wide and look like a cow when i eat. plus they don't make your breath smell bad. after i came to that conclusion i saw an advertisment for creating your own cupcake then i remembered when mel, hill, and i went to the duffys off hypolexo for mels b-day and started laughing. mel said that we'll go to duffys either fri or sat if she feels up to it. but i have this huge feeling that shes going to bail on me for megan or she'll invite her, holly and amy. if she invited megan i would be ok because thats only one person i don't know but if amy and holly came i kno i would be like super quiet. i want devin to see the real me but if the whole clan came then he wouldn't see jack shit. besides mels so different when megans around, i don't like it. when megan met us at the mall, her and meg practically ran to mels car to get my present and after she gave it to me and i said thnk you her and megan were in their own world. then when my dad came i was like bye and she was just like see ya and went back to talking to megan. i was like fine bitch. i think shes going to change a lot now that she's dating megan. i guess we'll see. knock,knock is on!!!! i love how he always smells so good. i love taking his jackets, they always smell like him :) omg i took his jacket the last tuesday when we had the 7th hr exam behind his back. when the bell was about to ring and he went to get his stuff and saw his jacket wasn't there, the first person he went to was jessica. i was like gahhhh u just walked past me. i guess jessica told him i had it so when he came over hes all " i thought someone jacked my jacket" and all that stuff...so he like tugged on the sleeves and i let him pull me up. so when i was standing up we were kinda close. i took it off and he put it on and was like "ah it smells like girl now" and i was like "is that so bad" and chuckled.he goes "nah it smells good though" but he didn't smile or anything, he didn't even really look at me. he just said it like it was a fact or something. kinda the way a nerd would say what pi was equal to. then he just walks away. i swear if i wasn't in control, jaw would have dropped. i was like fiinnne wuteva...ANRIETTTEEEEE. lol. i grabbed her and we were walking toward the front of the gym a little behind him. after the bell rang and everyone was stampeding the door, we were farther behind him but he stopped and got a drink of water so i kinda side butt kicked him and hes all "i'll get you" and i did the whole flirtacious side/look back glance and was like "when" and he said "when you least expect it"..yehh he didn't do jack shit. after that, i didn't see him til 6th period that friday. he didn't even say one word to me. didn't acknowlegde me, the only thing he did was hold out his hand for a piece of gum. i was like "come and get it" all flirtacious and he just got up, took it out of my hand and went back to my seat. then after everyone finished their exam, he just went to sleep. the second the bell rang he was out the door, like he was edward cullen or something. after that i shouldn't even worry about him, i honestly think i blew my chance with him. but i can't get him out of my head. i baked like 6dozen cookies between sunday and monday just to get my mind off of him. omg i was doing so well not thinking about him. reading teen vogue+my irritaion w/ my family=no devin but then i got all curious and read my horescope:
Aquarius: this month, you'll be on cloud nine:
Romance is in the air, you'll excel at school, and
even your compelxion will be flawless! Enjoy it.
This age of aquarius can't last forever.
After that, i was like DEVIN!...even though i don't really believe in all that horescope stuff, it still would be nice if happend. Romance, good grades, and a good complexion, that would be awesome! speaking of school, i'm a little scared to go back. if i don't make it to duffy's by the time school starts, then i have to wait to see him and that just means the longer i crush on him and wish he was with me. i just don't want to set myself up for disappointment. what if he doesn't feel the same way? what if i really did miss my shot w/ him and he's been over me for weeks? i know its bad to worry about the "what if's" but i can't help it :(
guess who i'm listening to??? naked brothers band lol.ya know, for a 13yr old, he sure knows a alot of stuff. does nickelodian really think they can make these songs about love, have a 13yr old sing it and get away with it? what 13yr old knows about love. anywho, i made this post into two parts because if i didn't, it would be a super super long post. for every crush i have theres always a song that goes with our relationship (whetheres its exsistant or nonexistent). i don't sure search for songs, they just kinda come to me and i'm like hey this reminds me of so and so. so anyway, devins song is knock,knock by lenka. not the whole song because its really about someone whos there for her and well frankly devins really not there for me (yet...hopefully). just the first paragraph or stanza (whatevaaaa) reminds me of him or how i feel about him:
A second, a minute, and hour, a day goes by.
Im hopin' just to be by your side.
Im turnin' the handle
it won’t open.
Don’t make me wait, cause right now I need your smile.
i was listening to the song on my ipod when we were coming back from my grandparents house and even though i saw lenka in concert (sry had to throw that in :P) and heard this song live i didn't really listen to it. anywho, coming back 4rm the g-rentals and i heard the first part of it and a spark like went off in my head and i was like holy woah this reminds me of devin!!! i need help..i totally just went on the duffy's website to think of what i'm gunna have to eat when i do go to duffy's. i came to the conclusion that i was going to have the chicken tenders. there not messy, i eat them piece by piece so i won't have to open wide and look like a cow when i eat. plus they don't make your breath smell bad. after i came to that conclusion i saw an advertisment for creating your own cupcake then i remembered when mel, hill, and i went to the duffys off hypolexo for mels b-day and started laughing. mel said that we'll go to duffys either fri or sat if she feels up to it. but i have this huge feeling that shes going to bail on me for megan or she'll invite her, holly and amy. if she invited megan i would be ok because thats only one person i don't know but if amy and holly came i kno i would be like super quiet. i want devin to see the real me but if the whole clan came then he wouldn't see jack shit. besides mels so different when megans around, i don't like it. when megan met us at the mall, her and meg practically ran to mels car to get my present and after she gave it to me and i said thnk you her and megan were in their own world. then when my dad came i was like bye and she was just like see ya and went back to talking to megan. i was like fine bitch. i think shes going to change a lot now that she's dating megan. i guess we'll see. knock,knock is on!!!! i love how he always smells so good. i love taking his jackets, they always smell like him :) omg i took his jacket the last tuesday when we had the 7th hr exam behind his back. when the bell was about to ring and he went to get his stuff and saw his jacket wasn't there, the first person he went to was jessica. i was like gahhhh u just walked past me. i guess jessica told him i had it so when he came over hes all " i thought someone jacked my jacket" and all that stuff...so he like tugged on the sleeves and i let him pull me up. so when i was standing up we were kinda close. i took it off and he put it on and was like "ah it smells like girl now" and i was like "is that so bad" and chuckled.he goes "nah it smells good though" but he didn't smile or anything, he didn't even really look at me. he just said it like it was a fact or something. kinda the way a nerd would say what pi was equal to. then he just walks away. i swear if i wasn't in control, jaw would have dropped. i was like fiinnne wuteva...ANRIETTTEEEEE. lol. i grabbed her and we were walking toward the front of the gym a little behind him. after the bell rang and everyone was stampeding the door, we were farther behind him but he stopped and got a drink of water so i kinda side butt kicked him and hes all "i'll get you" and i did the whole flirtacious side/look back glance and was like "when" and he said "when you least expect it"..yehh he didn't do jack shit. after that, i didn't see him til 6th period that friday. he didn't even say one word to me. didn't acknowlegde me, the only thing he did was hold out his hand for a piece of gum. i was like "come and get it" all flirtacious and he just got up, took it out of my hand and went back to my seat. then after everyone finished their exam, he just went to sleep. the second the bell rang he was out the door, like he was edward cullen or something. after that i shouldn't even worry about him, i honestly think i blew my chance with him. but i can't get him out of my head. i baked like 6dozen cookies between sunday and monday just to get my mind off of him. omg i was doing so well not thinking about him. reading teen vogue+my irritaion w/ my family=no devin but then i got all curious and read my horescope:
Aquarius: this month, you'll be on cloud nine:
Romance is in the air, you'll excel at school, and
even your compelxion will be flawless! Enjoy it.
This age of aquarius can't last forever.
After that, i was like DEVIN!...even though i don't really believe in all that horescope stuff, it still would be nice if happend. Romance, good grades, and a good complexion, that would be awesome! speaking of school, i'm a little scared to go back. if i don't make it to duffy's by the time school starts, then i have to wait to see him and that just means the longer i crush on him and wish he was with me. i just don't want to set myself up for disappointment. what if he doesn't feel the same way? what if i really did miss my shot w/ him and he's been over me for weeks? i know its bad to worry about the "what if's" but i can't help it :(
Mother may i...go to duffy's?
Dear blogger,
idk what the fuck to do. for the past month the only ONLY person that has been on my mind is devin or devon idk how he spells his name but omg i can't stop thinking about him. i havn't crushed this hard over a guy since..since like greg. hes not even that great. idk that much about him. all i kno is he lived in texas and canada, he skate boards, likes rap music and he tripps. i hate it, i'm the biggest tease. i'll flirt with a guy like mucho grande but just when i know hes about to ask my out i shoot him down. but with devin i didn't really flirt. like he would flirt with me and at first i didn't like him so i wouldn't really pay any attention to it. but instead of flirting back when i started to like him, i just well stopped. idk y its always awkward with him. surprisingly i don't get butterflys but the second it gets awkward i turn to a comfortable person and usually its mesh or joe in 6th and annrette in 7th. idk y but this point just randomly poped in my head: I HATE HIS BUBBLE BUTT!!!..k i'm done. so i was trying to think in the shower (yes, its a good place no think, nobody bothers you when your in the shower) when we first started talking. all i know is that we first started talking in 6th hour w/ a group of ppl then i guess it kinda carried on into 7th hour. but while i was in the process of remembering that i thought of the first time he kinda acknowlegded me. it was when we were playing kick ball in 7th hour on the block day that i first like really started talking to chris-toe-phor. he had his shirt tucked in and it was bothering me so when we were switching sides, i was like tuck in your shirt or something like that, i think i might have tugged on it a little idk. but either before that or after that, he walked by me and would just like collapse in my arms giving me a hug. i remember because i hate the way he hugs because he like bends down and puts his head on my shoulder and its really annoying because it makes me feel motherly. seriously, he may not me that much taller that me but i like taller guys, hug me like a taller guy would, don't put ur head on my shoulder (when we're hugging). after a while he sat down and didn't really play and i caught him looking at me a few times. thank god i didn't like him then because i would have been so self conscious. but then,like always, as soon as frugee blew the whistle to go in he was gone w/o a word. omg then i remember that block day where he kept like caught me talking about him. it was after 4th hour and i was walking with jason towards the 2nd building and annrette leaned over the railing on the 2nd floor and was like "MARTINA!!" then i looked over before i looked up and saw devin. then she called me again and i looked and was like mouthing "devin" and pointing at him like an idiot (in the middle of the courtyard btw) and jason was like "he's totally watching you" and i was like gurreeatt! that was the day that tom was being bitchy and went through my pants (thnk god i was wearing the "jeans") so i went to the br then went to garmans like 2mins late and when i got there devin was sitting on his desk w/ his feet on the chair facing my area but i wasn't there yet. so when i walked in i wasn't really thinking about him i was thinking about tom going through my pants so i ran to mesh and pulled her away from joe (not dramtically, i was very quiet about it) so we were talking like secrative and i felt him staring at me so i glanced over at devin and he was just sittin there chillin looking at me. by then we were on to another subject and idk something mesh said made me smile so it went in this order: i felt him, looked over, saw him staring, looked at mesh and smiled. so yehh he prob thought we were talking about him. that was the day we first started watching the shining. so after we sat down before garman started talking, he was still sitting there on his desk just looking at me while i was talking. i glanced over once or twice or maybe 3 times but didn't really lock eyes for more than a mila second. i was surprised though because usually when a girl catches a guy looking at them they look away but he didn't, he just kept his eyes glued to me. he looked like he was contemplating something. anywho, after garman started talking and told us we were watching the shining (and he stayed ontop of his desk through that whole "intro" btw) he just grabbed his stuff and scooted a desk next to mine. he was doodling on my answer paper and at first he wrote i (heart)devin and his last name but then he scribbled it out and drew some weird picture of some lady like neck down boobs and all and her face was a cock and he drew a pot leaf and a joint. we said a few things but like always i turned to mesh because she was a familar person. after that he fell asleep on top of my binder. i did get his jacket though but i didn't remember tom until i was sitting on his jacket then i was like oh shit because it was his white one..but it was all good. before that, when i saw him in the halls, he would hug me but lately he hasn't done that (lately as in b4 school ended). i just have this really big feeling that i missed my chance to be with him. like he gave me a million and one open doors and i think i gave him like 2hundred. its like a 8:10 ratio...the last week or really monday and tuesday, in 7th hour, jessica was getting in the way. not really because he would actaully go to her. i like jessica don't get me wrong but i hated the fact that he was going to her instead of me. even though he had every reason to because i barely showed i liked him but i just wanted him to come to me. wow i am pathetic, i sound like a elementary kid. speaking of sounding like a kid, i think he was a little shocked that i like the jonas brothers and i have the naked brothers band in my ipod lol then when i "couldn't remember how to spell robert pattinsons last name" i went on garmans computer to look it up because devin was on it as usual so anywho once i pulled up the twilight sight he was like "ah man don't tell me you like that too?" i just laughed and said "yup".
idk what the fuck to do. for the past month the only ONLY person that has been on my mind is devin or devon idk how he spells his name but omg i can't stop thinking about him. i havn't crushed this hard over a guy since..since like greg. hes not even that great. idk that much about him. all i kno is he lived in texas and canada, he skate boards, likes rap music and he tripps. i hate it, i'm the biggest tease. i'll flirt with a guy like mucho grande but just when i know hes about to ask my out i shoot him down. but with devin i didn't really flirt. like he would flirt with me and at first i didn't like him so i wouldn't really pay any attention to it. but instead of flirting back when i started to like him, i just well stopped. idk y its always awkward with him. surprisingly i don't get butterflys but the second it gets awkward i turn to a comfortable person and usually its mesh or joe in 6th and annrette in 7th. idk y but this point just randomly poped in my head: I HATE HIS BUBBLE BUTT!!!..k i'm done. so i was trying to think in the shower (yes, its a good place no think, nobody bothers you when your in the shower) when we first started talking. all i know is that we first started talking in 6th hour w/ a group of ppl then i guess it kinda carried on into 7th hour. but while i was in the process of remembering that i thought of the first time he kinda acknowlegded me. it was when we were playing kick ball in 7th hour on the block day that i first like really started talking to chris-toe-phor. he had his shirt tucked in and it was bothering me so when we were switching sides, i was like tuck in your shirt or something like that, i think i might have tugged on it a little idk. but either before that or after that, he walked by me and would just like collapse in my arms giving me a hug. i remember because i hate the way he hugs because he like bends down and puts his head on my shoulder and its really annoying because it makes me feel motherly. seriously, he may not me that much taller that me but i like taller guys, hug me like a taller guy would, don't put ur head on my shoulder (when we're hugging). after a while he sat down and didn't really play and i caught him looking at me a few times. thank god i didn't like him then because i would have been so self conscious. but then,like always, as soon as frugee blew the whistle to go in he was gone w/o a word. omg then i remember that block day where he kept like caught me talking about him. it was after 4th hour and i was walking with jason towards the 2nd building and annrette leaned over the railing on the 2nd floor and was like "MARTINA!!" then i looked over before i looked up and saw devin. then she called me again and i looked and was like mouthing "devin" and pointing at him like an idiot (in the middle of the courtyard btw) and jason was like "he's totally watching you" and i was like gurreeatt! that was the day that tom was being bitchy and went through my pants (thnk god i was wearing the "jeans") so i went to the br then went to garmans like 2mins late and when i got there devin was sitting on his desk w/ his feet on the chair facing my area but i wasn't there yet. so when i walked in i wasn't really thinking about him i was thinking about tom going through my pants so i ran to mesh and pulled her away from joe (not dramtically, i was very quiet about it) so we were talking like secrative and i felt him staring at me so i glanced over at devin and he was just sittin there chillin looking at me. by then we were on to another subject and idk something mesh said made me smile so it went in this order: i felt him, looked over, saw him staring, looked at mesh and smiled. so yehh he prob thought we were talking about him. that was the day we first started watching the shining. so after we sat down before garman started talking, he was still sitting there on his desk just looking at me while i was talking. i glanced over once or twice or maybe 3 times but didn't really lock eyes for more than a mila second. i was surprised though because usually when a girl catches a guy looking at them they look away but he didn't, he just kept his eyes glued to me. he looked like he was contemplating something. anywho, after garman started talking and told us we were watching the shining (and he stayed ontop of his desk through that whole "intro" btw) he just grabbed his stuff and scooted a desk next to mine. he was doodling on my answer paper and at first he wrote i (heart)devin and his last name but then he scribbled it out and drew some weird picture of some lady like neck down boobs and all and her face was a cock and he drew a pot leaf and a joint. we said a few things but like always i turned to mesh because she was a familar person. after that he fell asleep on top of my binder. i did get his jacket though but i didn't remember tom until i was sitting on his jacket then i was like oh shit because it was his white one..but it was all good. before that, when i saw him in the halls, he would hug me but lately he hasn't done that (lately as in b4 school ended). i just have this really big feeling that i missed my chance to be with him. like he gave me a million and one open doors and i think i gave him like 2hundred. its like a 8:10 ratio...the last week or really monday and tuesday, in 7th hour, jessica was getting in the way. not really because he would actaully go to her. i like jessica don't get me wrong but i hated the fact that he was going to her instead of me. even though he had every reason to because i barely showed i liked him but i just wanted him to come to me. wow i am pathetic, i sound like a elementary kid. speaking of sounding like a kid, i think he was a little shocked that i like the jonas brothers and i have the naked brothers band in my ipod lol then when i "couldn't remember how to spell robert pattinsons last name" i went on garmans computer to look it up because devin was on it as usual so anywho once i pulled up the twilight sight he was like "ah man don't tell me you like that too?" i just laughed and said "yup".
Martina Thompson: removed
Dear blogger,
i was just informed by the dumb ppl at flvs that i was removed from my spanish course!!! man oh man does that make my day soooo much better...NOT! ok so maybe its not the flvs ppl's fault that i was removed and i guess i could have just checked in a few times in the past 3months but come on. dads gonna kill me, so is coach. after our little talk that day after school, she was convinced that a miracle might happen and i'll be able to play softball this years. now its hopeless, i'm hopeless. i don't get it. i've been struggling with my grades my whole high school career. i know i'm lazy but come on you would think i would have learned after not being able to play softball for two years and being kicked out of what i thought was the best school. maybe i do have add of adhd after all, who knows. i always do way better the second semester then i get everyone in my face saying "Martina! why couldn't you do that the first term then you could be playing softball" i was thinking the other day, maybe softball isn't my calling. maybe god has another plan for me because that whole "you gotta reach the bottom before you can reach the top" really isn't working. rock bottom is an understatement for me right now. i'm struggling for a 2.o right now. a fucking 2.o!!! thats so pathetic. theres no way i'll be able to go to college next year unless i get like straight A's from here on out but we all know how likely i am of getting atleast 3 A's on a report card let alone 7. looks like i'll be stuck going to cc for two years just like everybody else. woopdy doo!
i was just informed by the dumb ppl at flvs that i was removed from my spanish course!!! man oh man does that make my day soooo much better...NOT! ok so maybe its not the flvs ppl's fault that i was removed and i guess i could have just checked in a few times in the past 3months but come on. dads gonna kill me, so is coach. after our little talk that day after school, she was convinced that a miracle might happen and i'll be able to play softball this years. now its hopeless, i'm hopeless. i don't get it. i've been struggling with my grades my whole high school career. i know i'm lazy but come on you would think i would have learned after not being able to play softball for two years and being kicked out of what i thought was the best school. maybe i do have add of adhd after all, who knows. i always do way better the second semester then i get everyone in my face saying "Martina! why couldn't you do that the first term then you could be playing softball" i was thinking the other day, maybe softball isn't my calling. maybe god has another plan for me because that whole "you gotta reach the bottom before you can reach the top" really isn't working. rock bottom is an understatement for me right now. i'm struggling for a 2.o right now. a fucking 2.o!!! thats so pathetic. theres no way i'll be able to go to college next year unless i get like straight A's from here on out but we all know how likely i am of getting atleast 3 A's on a report card let alone 7. looks like i'll be stuck going to cc for two years just like everybody else. woopdy doo!
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